Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
