You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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