my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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