Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
