The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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