Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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