Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
