My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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