went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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