Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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