watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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