so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Randomize
