just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
