I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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