he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
