either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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