I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
