Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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