we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
