listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Do you have feelings for this penis?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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