Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
