I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
