So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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