Whoa Z and x make the same sound
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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