Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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