Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
