Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
