I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
