For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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