Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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