i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
