May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
