True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize