they need to just BURY HIM!
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize