She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
