Ambien. No doubt about it.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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