Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
