It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
