She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
pray to the hookup gods
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
