1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
