I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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