This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
