Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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