420 ftw
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
