Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize