Whats the glycemic index on semen?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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