did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
