I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
