I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
