Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
