every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
