She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
