Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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