He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
