you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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