I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize