I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Someone shattered a urinal.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
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