dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
