I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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