You just made me feel so damn special
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
