In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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